What is a Wargamer? A comedy sketch

 

What is a wargamer? And is it different for everyone? A tongue in cheek response.

Setting: A club room where the Grognard, an old wargamer is listening to classical music, sat with a brush painting lace and facings on some Napoleonic figures, with an open reference book at hand. 

[Sound effect: a knock on the door]

The Grognard says, "Enter!"

A portly wargamer enters, wearing thick rimmed glasses and asks, "Is this the old Grognard wargaming club meeting room?"

"Yes it is. I am the Grognard. As you can see, I am the wargamer who always has a reference book open, while painting lace and facings on Napoleonic figures. 

"I see."

Grognard continues. "I am also the wargamer who says, playing with toy soldiers doesn't mean we're childish warmongers."

The Portly wargamer replies, "I am the wargamer with a mean streak to my character. You will find that I am always rolling my dice, [rolls two D6 on the table] like so. I disapprove of other wargamers who paint lace and facings on their figures. And I am always the one who checks the rule book [as he opens a rulebook] and shouting, that's not what the rules say!"

[Sound effect: a knock on the door]

The Grognard says, "Enter!"

A young wargamer, dressed in a black leather jacket that has the name of a heavy metal band on the back enters, sneers, and says, "Old Grognard wargamers, allow me to introduce myself. I'm the young unconventional wargamer who unsettles everyone in the club by playing science fiction and fantasy wargames. As you can see I sneer at wargamers who obsess over historical details."

[Sound effect: a knock on the door]

The Grognard says, "Enter!"

A slightly effete, well dressed wargamer enters the club room. "Good evening gentlemen. I am the wargamer who cares not for tradition and silly superstitions about lucky dice.

Everybody says, "Welcome!"

"However, you will notice I wear a cravat, and well fitted clothes. I have bathed before coming and therefore lack any unpleasant body odours. I have spent many happy hours painting terrain, and discussing Clausewitz's the science and art of war."

All: [sentimentally] Aaah.

"The reason for wearing a stylish cravat and my effete manner is never explained."

[Sound effect: a knock on the door]

The Grognard says, "Enter!"

Paint it Pink enters. "Forgive my late arrival, I bathed before coming and took time to dress well..." 

The stylishly dressed wargamer, clearing his throat, says, "No, I am afraid that role is already taken, I'm sorry."

"... But of course." Changing tack she says, "I wear a black leather jacket and play science fiction and fantasy wargames."

The young wargamer interrupts, "I think you will find that is me, old woman."

Then Paint it Pink says, "I'm the wargamer who picks up the rule book and..."

The portly wargamer shouts out, "That's not what the rules means!"

Desperate to find her role she says, "I am the wargamer who always uses reference book, while painting my figures..." But stops speaking as she sees the Grognard reading a book with a paintbrush in his other hand. And asks, "...while listening to classical music?"

The Grognard, apologetically says, "I'm afraid so."

"You leave me no other choice! I am the wargamer who is outwardly calm but, subject to sudden [slams fist on table] and inexplicable 'fits of temper'!"

All: Aaaaah!

THE END.

With apologies to  Mel Smith and Griff Rhys Jones, and any wargamers who might feel seen.